Week 89: Child's Play


Mr. Tomato Head--A variation on the classic. Don't push in the nose too hard, or he'll ooze.

Tiddlywonks--The pieces are imprinted with the likenesses of famous agronomists and mechanical engineers.

What's That Smell?--A game of skill, action and revolting aromas. 

Today's contest was proposed by Mr. Bob Staake of St. Louis, who wins his choice of an Amana Frost-proofv freezer or continued employment by The Washington Post. Bob suggests we come up with bad ideas for new toys for the Christmas season. First-prize winner receives a fantastic lurching raccoon-in-the-potato-chips-bag animated toy capable of revolting crowds large and small, a value of $ 25, donated to the Style Invitational kitty by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, who is, need we remind you, an international trafficker in condoms. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 89, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 86, in which you were asked to come up with infractions of behavior, and creative excuses to explain them away.

Third Runner-Up -- Infraction: Attacking Roseanne with a machete. Excuse: "My AK-47 was in the shop." (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

Second Runner-Up -- Infraction: Drinking under age. Excuse: I don't believe the law specifies 21 Earth years. (Russ Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)

First Runner-Up -- Infraction: Unauthorized use of HOV lane. Excuse: It's okay, officer, this is a vehicle that I am occupying, and I happen to be very high at the moment. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

And the Winner of the life-sized seated female mannequin:

Infraction: The CIA's failing to notice Aldrich Ames's spying in the 1980s. Excuse: "We were too busy failing to notice the collapse of the Soviet Union." (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

"Trust me, my dear, the lingerie in my car must have fallen off my Style Invitational mannequin." (Ted Huntington, Upper Marlboro)

A man leaves his children home alone for a week: "I was taking prescription medication, and the directions said 'Keep Away From Children,' so I did." (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

For being caught cheating: The meaninglessness of this incident will make me appreciate our rich, deep, almost spiritual experiences all the more. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Getting caught peeking into the women's showers: Have any of you fellows seen my glasses? I think I left them in there. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville)

Speeding: I heard there was just one ticket left for the annual policeman's ball, so I was rushing to the station. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Charles Murray on why he and the late Richard Herrnstein wrote a book alleging, in part, that blacks are genetically inferior to whites: "Herrnstein wrote that part." (Stephen Bates, Silver Spring)

Not paying your maid's Social Security: I didn't know illegal aliens had Social Security. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

Losing an election: People threatened to disrupt my daughter's wedding. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Failure to deliver a severed penis to the emergency room: My dog ate it. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Exhibitionism: It's okay because on weekends I am a voyeur, so it balances out. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Lying: I was just positioning myself for a possible U.S. Senate campaign. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Drinking under age: I believe life begins at conception, so I turned 21 four months ago. (Russ Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)

Being late for work: I had to wait for a Metro train that had an empty orange seat facing forward. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Failing to recognize an old friend: I thought you were in the witness relocation program, and I didn't want to blow your cover. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Not voting: I knew the governor's race was going to be close, and I couldn't stand the pressure of having my vote actually matter. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia)

Entering the Style Invitational: I used to enter Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, and was devastated when I lost. With Style Invitational, I'm almost relieved when I don't win. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia)

And Last:

Why I am often late on Style Invitational entries: Because Chuck Smith is often late deciding first which entries he wants to buy. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) Next Week: West Easy, Ann